Yesterday at Karma Kitchen I was in charge of collecting payments from the guests. Previously, as a server, I had promised myself to honor any donation that was given, but to tell the truth, I rarely looked inside the small black leather check holders to see who gave what. Yesterday, I had to look.

I literally patted an Awakin Circle friend on the back when he asked me to charge $100 on his credit card for a party of three. When a man who didn't seem to have much left without paying, I felt compassion and joy that he received some love and food for his journey. Then a well-to-do party of four left a five dollar bill. I tried to stay in gratitude, but I couldn’t help thinking that a tip in a normal restaurant would be more than five bucks.

I distracted myself by feeling joy for all the other patrons who were giving generously, but my thoughts kept spiraling back to judging that party of four. I judged their privilege, their class, and their culture. Out of desperation, I tried to rationalize how this party deserved the most compassion, love, and generosity because they were stuck in a scarcity mindset, but my heart lacked compassion. Luckily, I had the afternoon off, so I went to the Berkeley Monastery to meditate.

During meditation, I kept thinking about a day-long workshop that I am scheduling. I felt the calling to make the workshop free, like Karma Kitchen, but other thoughts arose. The words of my friend, who is helping to organize and promote the workshop, came to mind, “If you don’t charge, people won’t value it.” I thought about how I might not be able to pay for my sons’ activities if I lost money on this event. “Workshops aren’t like restaurants where you get an individual bill. People can just walk out en masse without paying,” I told myself.

Then it hit me. I was so upset about the party of four because they were reflecting back to me my own fears of not having enough. As my wise friend John Malloy says, “Nature reflects your nature.” I decided to make my workshops free with an opportunity to pay-it-forward, and suddenly that party of four didn’t enter my thoughts until I sat down to write this blog post.

I’m so grateful to Karma Kitchen for guiding me towards deep cleaning of socially conditioned fears of scarcity. I’m thankful for the whole Service Space ecosphere that validates the possibility and richness of a gift ecology.