Moment Of Vulnerability With My Dad
ServiceSpace
--Dinesh Mehta
3 minute read
Apr 12, 2016

 

[Below is a transcription of a beautiful share in last week's Awakin Circle in Santa Clara, with a reading on vulnerability.]

Hi everyone, my name's Travis. Thank you for all your stories. Very touching.

When I was really young -- eight or nine maybe -- my father told me to clean my room. I really never liked cleaning and I always found certain shortcuts. I always half assed it, as they say. I would do like fifteen minutes of cleaning and go get my dad and tell him it's done. He comes back to do the check, looks around and I am still tucking things under the desk and this and that -- just not doing it right. And I knew it. He points out like 3 different things, and says, "I said I want your room clean, Travis. Not Mexican clean."

This really hit me cause my Mom was Mexican. It was very racist and it was just odd for him to say something like that. My rebuttal was, "Oh, okay. Oh, got it." Really sarcastic, right? He says, "Good, you got it?" "Yeah." "Good, great, thanks," and he leaves the room.

I remember cleaning my room. I don't really remember much between that moment and a few hours later when the sun went down, but I do remember what happened next.

I walked from my room to his room. His bar, actually. He was sitting at the bar having a few Screwdrivers. He drank a lot, alcoholic. I remember I sat in the chair next to him, as he was smoking his tobacco pipe. "You know, Dad, when you said you wanted me to clean my room or wanted it clean, not Mexican clean, that really ... " and I started crying so, so hard. I said, "That really hurt me because Mom's Mexican."

It was such a raw moment for me. First, the vulnerability. It was like I was afraid to show my Dad that I was hurt because he's a big, tough guy and wants me to be tough too. There was never really a lot of space for emotions and stuff like that. It was almost like I was afraid of being rejected or judged just based on me telling him that I was hurt.

I remember saying all this. I was crying and I looked at him. He looked at me in the eyes, then he kind of looked off and I knew it hit him. It's like something happened. There was something so truthful and so honest and so very powerful and raw happened in that instant. I waited a little bit longer. He didn't say anything. I didn't think he was going to, so I got up and I left.

My Dad passed away when I was 13. I don't have too many memories of him but this one stayed so strong with me. I can see why. And yeah, he never said anything else about my mom in that way after that. I just remember how important it felt for me, even though I didn't get like a sorry or anything like that from him; it felt like what needed to be said was said and it was just right.

 

Posted by Dinesh Mehta on Apr 12, 2016


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