Heart Connections

Yesterday after spending a beautiful day with a dear friend, I stopped at Berkeley Bowl (a sort of co-opy, less expensive, more laid back Whole foods) to pick up some produce... I noticed people walking by each other, no one making eye contact; if they were in a couple, they seemed to pretend they were alone - no one saying excuse me, hello or goodbye. I too, walking without disturbing the air, calling upon actor movement exercises like suzuki and viewpoints to move throughout without touching. Afraid to bring about conflict; afraid to connect for fear of...of what I do not know. The world at large just feels less friendly. I have learned not to take it personally I suppose - feeling less sad (it is grocery shopping and not a social event after all) and more accepting - this is where we are now. I still say thank you, hello, good-bye, excuse me when the moment merits - it is a nice habit I have that refuses to escape me. Also, I have enough circles to warm my insides, to keep me loving strong. Still, it strikes me - the disconnect. When I got to my car, I noticed a call from a friend Frank - his son is in the nursing home where my grandmother lives. Frank fought in the Vietnam war and was married 52 years to his wife who died about 6 years ago, though he talks as if she is still alive. Frank's call started with an apology. "Mia, I think I called you by mistake, sorry about that but while I am here, I wanted to tell you that the family council (at the nursing home) seems to have been disbanded- that makes me sad. And, well, my son Alan is on his third and I think final round of hospice. He will go in 3 months. I am getting ready. No need to call back. I hope you had a good thanksgiving". I don't know Frank too well - we are connected by a few meetings I attended with about 3 others - all of us having a loved one at the nursing home - all of us trying to make sure they and others received the best care. But we all got worn down by the bureaucracy and double-talk. Frank calls or emails every once in a while maybe because I'm the only one who writes back. I've only spoken to him one other time on the phone - when he asked me to take the minutes for the meeting so he could put out the newsletter - that was about 3 years ago. When I called this time, he answered on the 2nd ring, "MIAAA! Oh my goodness, you made my day. You returned my mistake call! What a joy. Thank you so much!" I didn't really know how to respond - this care and connection was so different from my experience 15 minutes before. Of course, who knows what anyone is walking with at one time, what pain sorrow or hardship and of course, if you are like me, you keep your feelings pretty close to your chest for the most part - sharing the vulnerability in only the safest circles. I do understand this. I just miss sometimes the good ole neighbor days that included a nod and a smile amongst strangers. Of course, here is Frank, someone I barely know, happy to talk with me. He didn't want to talk long (didn't want to take up my time) but did say he would make another mistake call before Christmas. I told him I would look forward to it :)