For six weeks I was unconscious, and for nearly four of those weeks was on a machine doing my breathing. I have no memory of any of that (and don't want any).  I did not have any Kubler-Ross vision of a tunnel of light, but I did have a remarkable sensation upon becoming conscious again.  As a person of faith, I thought you might find this of interest.  

 

I awoke in intensive care and found I could not move my limbs, sit up or lift my  head from the pillow. (Six weeks being bedridden makes the whole body atrophy. Fortunately I am regaining use of my limbs.)

 

I could turn my head, tho, and I saw a row of broken bodies in the ICU, like mine.  And suddenly I felt flooded in a warm light binding all of us broken people; it was a flow of compassion shared by all of us (compassion originally meant to suffer with).  It was as if we were all bathing in an ocean of infinite mercy. The feeling lasted for maybe a half hour, and at least for now I can still recall it to mind.

 

Then, discovering I'd been in the grey zone between life and death for nearly a month, and therefore very close to facing my own final judgement, I realized how severe I have been judging some others in my life.  I realized that if my strict standard was applied to me, I would not fare too well.

 

So I determined to cut some slack to others.  In fact, I watched Dick Cheney on TV recently and my brain didn't explode.  His own brokenness is evident in his perpetual scowl and the fact he has had 6-8 heart attacks.

 

The take away is that we are all broken, and  that warm light of compassion that binds us all is available to all of us if we want it, according to the world's wise men and women.  It's a pity we spend so much effort running away from it.

 

I don't know if the insights of my life-transforming summer will stay with me, but at least for a few minutes I had glimpse of the Beatific Vision.  And in that vision I saw there is no room for anxiety, depression or despair.  

 

-Tom