Can you recall the bodily sensations and feelings that occur inside us such as increased respiration, uptick in heart beat, and perhaps a dry mouth when you want to be there for someone grieving but don't know quite what to say? Does the thought of being silently present come to mind when trying to provide comfort and reassurance to someone who has suffered a loss whether it be death or even just a relationship? Do the words "generosity" or "serving others" occur to you when you think about death or someone grieving the loss of a loved one?  

A few years ago my answer would have been no like it may be for many of you. However, through my own experiences with grief over the last few years, I say yes and after the call I was a part of today, I would say it is an emphatic YES! Allow me to share a very moving story with all you.    
                 

This story is about a young girl named Marianna. Marianna grew up in a diverse old ethnic neighborhood in the late 1950's living with family, including her immigrant Italian grandparents. This neighborhood is like that you see in the movies where the neighbors all know each other and have lived there 2-3 generations; the doors are never locked and people are always out playing and socializing with one another. Suddenly, Marianna and her family have to move away. Their new home is in a neighborhood where that sense of community is not vibrant at all - in fact it borders loneliness. This little girl is sad but a few days before the new school year starts in this new home, in this new neighborhood and town, another young girl named Susan, who had been away for the summer at a relatives place, suddenly appears.

Susan bikes up the driveway to introduce herself to Marianna and within five minutes Susan and Marianna become "sisters." These best friends are inseparable over the next few years. However, one December just days before Christmas, Susan goes missing. Then less than 2 months later on February 14th, Valentine's day - a day to supposedly celebrate love no less, Susan's body turns up dismembered and burnt. The shock, horror, pain and despair of Susan's death was felt by Susan's family and friends, including young Marianna is unspeakable.

During the early and mid 1960's, psychotherapy was mostly referred to in whispers as a treatment for those “having a nervous breakdown” nor was there any kind of help hotline of grief counselors. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ first book, On Death and Dying was published in 1969 and it was only then that grief began to be understood as a natural response to death and loss. Even at Marianna's Catholic school, they just prayed and remained in silence not even uttering Susan's name. One can only imagine the turmoil that this would create within a child. Young Marianna wondered how people were still going to work or how school continued and if she was the only one who was hysterical inside. The dissonance that she drew from that was that "something was wrong with her." She felt she had to hide that hysterical part of her and pretend to be like everyone else. As a result she felt she grew in distorted ways. However, the story does take a meaningful turn. Through Marianna's healing, she also grew in beautiful ways. This is a true story.

Today that young girl Marianna has grown into a beautiful woman and powerful force that has focused her energy on healing and serving others. This past Saturday we had a chance to listen to Marianna Cacciatore re-tell us this story and how she was able to eventually take those set of experiences with the loss of her dear friend Susan and transition from the dark to the light. She told us how those experiences and being there for others that grieve over the years have gifted her so many insights (which we are thankful to her for sharing). The impact is so wide-felt that it is still felt by her even today in terms of her own relationship with her parents and being able to come closer to them and serve them. Through therapy many years later, Marianna embarked on a healing process that led to a realization and plan where she created centers for healing for children, youth and adults who grieve. She also wrote a book aptly called "Being There For Someone in Grief" as well as using her own grief as "an opportunity to look at her own generosity and to really nurture it and grow it ...now it is a part of the mission statement of the organization (Bread for the Journey) that employs me." Even after many years of service including hosting a radio show where she highlights "ordinary people that do extraordinary deeds," she continues to provide grief counseling support working on a gift economy basis. No "charge" for true love and compassion. =)

Since there were so many beautiful gems in the call including some truly moving shares in the opening circle of sharing such as Arthur who "answered the prayers" of a homeless man who didn't know where his meal would come from that day or Michele who talked about working with a group to have a billion women worldwide to stand up in solidarity against domestic violence, I would recommend you listen to full audio clip provided below at the bottom of this page.

However, to give you a snapshot of the call, here are some of the lessons Marianna taught us:

On Being There for Someone in Grief

"When we find ourselves in the company of someone in grief, even after all my experience, my heart starts beating faster, my mouth is dry and typically what I want to do is talk...and its anxiety really and we all deal with it in different ways. So I thought it would be nice to create an easy to remember acronym called SALT as in the "salt of tears." SALT stands for the following actions in supporting someone:

S - S is for "Seeing"...to simply see them as they are in grief rather than acting on the urge to do something right away. By the time I learned this, I had been meditating for many years and so breath for me is now the primary thing to remember and kicks in and makes me present - once I realize it, I slow down my breathe and I become conscious of that and with that my heart rate slows a bit, and with that I stop and truly see them as they are.

A - A is for "Allowing...allowing them to be just as they are. Seeing and allowing go hand in hand...these are the first two steps in behaving in a way  that engenders a trust between the two of you. Doing this makes it to a point where they start talking about their story but this is really built on the connection you create from your heart to theirs. Thus, I begin by seeing them, then allowing them to continue to be as they are...and if there is willingness for them to share what they are going through, then we come to the next step

L - L is for listening...this is where we continue to keep our mouth closed and truly listen. We get anxiety that we have to say the right thing to make them feel better or take their pain away. What the grieving person is dealing with is the grief - it is something that is alive for them, the biggest thing going on in their lives at the moment...thus I use my whole body...my eyes, my openness to become this safe container  for them to go anywhere they want to go, to say anything they want to say, even if it is something horrible, and I have everything within me to be that container....to be there for them...but i haven't said a word and yet I am active.

T - T is for trusting the process....if I can stop and see them just as they are and allow them to be just as they are and listen well and be with them on the journey, no matter what comes up, there is a process of trust and healing that occurs."

From Grief to Generosity

"Grief for me opened into a kind of generosity - out of my hurt and sorrow came a desire to want to serve, to want to help ... the very reasons the centers I created were meant for...I learned the importance of nurturing the seed of generosity that is in everyone's heart..."

"...it is natural for us to shy away from things that hurt, to step away from pain...but if we can develop the courage to lean into the pain, step into it, we develop fuller rather than having a bifurcated experience of life and rather we have a whole experience. With this whole experience, we can truly support others who are grieving in a way that is welcome, trusted, and simply creates a container for them to feel. We have everything within us to heal."

"We have a choice to have our heart break apart....or our heart to break open. What I know is when I have not had my heart break open,  it is painful, isolating, its dark, its tight, its shame...BUT the minute i begin to open that door and share out  loud with even one person, the story of whatever it is....it is just the opposite of what depression wants...if I can move outside of the isolation into community which is what is so beautiful about ServiceSpace then my heart begins to break open rather than break apart and there is a depth of compassion arises."

On Being There for Yourself

"For me, we have to find the thing that opens us. In my life, growing up, words were that thing - when I sat down to write - it really helped. My journals were my life saving devices. In my office today, you can find 3 ring binders with years written on them of things I had written since I was a young girl. Through writing, I began to listen to my own heart...I had to learn how to be there for myself and trust myself before i could be there for someone else. it takes being present to be alert...that "thing" is different for everyone ...it might be painting for one person, writing music for another, and as I said, for me it was journaling. We all have to find our thing, we may have many ways...meditation was especially useful - we nurture the seed of self knowing."

Thank you Marianna.

This post is dedicated to Susan Brady and many other beautiful people this world has lost and to the strength, beauty, and resilience of those in grief who respond with generosity...thank you for serving others and helping yourself.