A couple of years back when the Awakin readings started its comments feature, Somik Raha noticed that they were receiving insightful and thought provoking comments every week from an individual named Conrad Pritscher.

Many Awakin readers have remarked, “After I read the Awakin passage, the first thing I do is read Conrad’s reflection because it helps me to understand the passage.”

As a quintessential example, in response to the reading “The Most Subversive Invitation” by John O’Donohue, Conrad had shared the following reflection:

“I love the idea of not knowing. I’m almost attached to it. I love to know that I don’t know. That too is a knowing. Would I be better off if I didn’t know that?”

After many years of cultivating this online connection in wisdom, inquiry, and love, we had the precious opportunity to host Conrad on a live Awakin Call on July 12. Sitting there with Conrad and his wife Kay during the call were fellow Service Space volunteers, Nimesh (“Nimo”) Patel and Audrey Lin.

It was an incredible gift to have Conrad as our guest. For the past few months, he courageously lived with lung cancer, never letting its debilitating effects stop him from learning and sharing. While his voice may have sounded fragile as it faded in and out during the call, when asked if he needed a break or wanted to stop, Conrad enthusiastically responded, “Don’t hold back!”

To give you a sense of Conrad’s insatiable love for learning, after earning a Ph.D. in the Philosophy of Education, he decided to attend a Zen temple in his 40’s. Zen Buddhism continued to give Conrad insight into his own nature and he practiced Zen meditation for over four decades. Conrad also authored seven books, including “Einstein and Zen” and “Reopening Einstein’s Thought About What Can’t be Learned from Textbooks”. He was devoted to the spirit of inquiry, inspiring his students to not just accept what was being taught but to ask questions of their own.

Conrad passed from this world eight days later on July 20, 2014. Following are profound passages of wisdom from his weekly Awakin reflections, interspersed with precious excerpts from our call. [Please note that the comments in brackets are my own.]

Somik: What are the key lessons from your life?

Conrad: There are many. When I think about the first thing in a life that happens it is that one becomes aware. One is aware even before one begins to form thoughts. I find that awareness is the key to everything else, including the pattern and direction of our thoughts.

An Awakin passage titled “Do We Use Thought, or Does Thought Use Us?”, reflects on thought in the following way, “Like the pumping of the heart, the mind remains ever active throughout the lifetime, busily creating and then trying to solve conflicts. We are rarely at ease and never at fully tranquil rest. [...] You think that you use thought but I doubt it. It is thought that uses you, uses your life energy, by dominating, grabbing and dictating to it, and by possessing people and things.”

This prompted Conrad to share, “There is no question that my thought is limited. I find great to joy in thinking about thought. Yesterday I made notes to write about "a thought too far," and "a thought to near." I love to think about change and time which can't be clearly defined and I don't know what they are. The great value of "not knowing" also is helpful here. Perhaps if I allowed myself to "not think" more often I would naturally evolve to that impersonal state of oneness. In the meantime I hope I continue to give myself permission to forgive myself again, and again, and again for not being more evolved which amounts to a limited accepting myself as I am.”

On the call, Conrad continued to reflect on the meaning of awareness in his life.  He shared, "Awareness has led me to what St. Francis said: “May I be an instrument of peace. Where there is hatred, let me bring love. Where there is doubt, let me bring faith. Where there is despair, let me bring hope. Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.”



Conrad: We are born with awareness and die with awareness. An old story about that is a boy that tugged on his mother’s apron and said, “Mom, where does everything come from? And the mother says, “Oh well, it has for long been said that everything comes from dust and goes to dust.” The boy said, “I saw dust under my bed and I don’t know whether it’s coming or going.”

Somik: Can you share reflections on love?

Conrad: I would say love is related to compassion. To me compassion is noticing and moving towards what you notice and then moving even further beyond that. One might think of that as nirvana or being in the present with warm and kind feelings for everyone and everything. Zen goes beyond what we notice, which is not knowing, and this is what helps one to be.

[How do we move towards that place where we are present, where we feel kindness for everyone and everything? Could it be in micro-moments?] 

On June 17, 2013, Awakin posted writing by Barbara Frederickson titled “Micro Moments of Love”. She shared, “Love, like all emotions, surfaces like a distinct and fast-moving weather pattern, a subtle and ever-shifting force. And the new take on love that I want to share with you is this: Love blossoms virtually any time two or more people -- even strangers -- connect over a shared positive emotion, be it mild or strong…a micro-moment of love literally changes your mind. It expands your awareness of your surroundings, even your sense of self. The boundaries between you and not-you -- what lies beyond your skin -- relax and become more permeable. While infused with love you see fewer distinctions between you and others. Indeed, your ability to see others -- really see them, wholeheartedly -- springs open. Love can even give you a palpable sense of oneness and connection, a transcendence that makes you feel part of something far larger than yourself.”

Conrad reflected that love can be much more than a micro moment of positive connection, that love is much more than an emotion. He expressed that love is a way of being. “Love can be a micro moment of positive connection and I think it can be much more than that. That "more" can't be easily said. When one is peaceful there is a greater chance for one being compassionate and loving. When one is loving and compassionate there is greater chance for being peaceful. Love, in the sense of compassion for others and self, is more than an emotion. I see it as a way of being. I am reminded of the word enthusiasm which comes from the Greek word ethos, the God within. When a person experiences oneness with everyone and everything then one has God within.”

[Love is more than an emotion. Love is a way of being, with your hands wide open, ready to give or receive whatever may arise; because if we are one, God is within each of us and giving or receiving is the same.]

As Marge Piercy shared in “To Have Without Holding”: “Love with the hands wide open, love with the doors banging on their hinges, the cupboard unlocked, the wind roaring and whimpering in the rooms rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds that thwack like rubber bands in an open palm.”

Conrad explained, “There are degrees of development and degrees of love. I believe that if one loves consciously one simultaneously loves conscientiously, loves concretely, and loves constructively. Whoever heard of destructive loving? When one is loving consciously at one's level of development, and accepting what and where one is at that present moment, then one is doing fine at that moment.: doing fine even if the hands aren't as wide open as someone else's hands, No one is perfect. It is fine to extend effort as we move towards effortlessness. Trying too hard to be what you are not can interfere with opening wide the hands.”

[Loving with your hands wide open asks each of us to live fearlessly and surrender to what may be. Conrad was an individual that practiced this every single day up until the moment of his passing.]

On February 8, 2013, Awakin featured a reading titled “Fearless”, by Thich Nhat Hanh. It began:

“Most of us experience a life full of wonderful moments and difficult moments. But for many of us, even when we are most joyful, there is fear behind our joy. We fear that this moment will end, that we won’t get what we need, that we will lose what we love, or that we will not be safe. Often, our biggest fear is the knowledge that one day our bodies will cease functioning. So even when we are surrounded by all the conditions for happiness, our joy is not complete.”

At the time, Conrad was about to turn 81 years old.

He shared, “I now think more of the death and that within several years I will no longer be. I don't fear death. Right now I anticipate I will miss life but death is inevitable and is okay. Thich Nhat Hanh's idea of breathing in peace and breathing out a smile has been helpful to me. I don't seem to invite fears but I don't push them away. I have learned over the last 20 years to know very little and that most fears are illusions. Most of what I think and do seems to me to be unconscious, yet breathing in peace and exhaling with a smile is often conscious and very worthwhile for me.”

As an example of Conrad’s fearlessness, Somik shared about his open involvement in the Civil Rights Movement. The 1960s was a time of great upheaval in this country and the Civil Rights movement took ground and came to fruition. Conrad made a very strong stand against racism and published about racism in institutions. It’s because of the hard work of people like Conrad that today we can walk more freely.

At an endearing moment during the call, Conrad’s wife, Kay, whispered, “You also like to be silly Con…maybe you can talk about how you like to be silly?”

Conrad: I like to be silly in the sense that don’t take a life too serious helps one be aware of what’s important to be aware of. If you take life too serous then you won’t have time to do the things that we’re all doing right now. My wife may have meant to be still…is that what you meant Kay?

Kay: No, I meant silly.:)

Conrad: I wish I had more jokes.

Before Conrad passed away, a little over a month back he had sent a note to Awakin that read:

“Dear Internet group,

What follows may be looked at as a generation of sadness or, as I see it, a generation of gladness. I have had a very great life with wonderful friends and family. This Internet group has been very important to me. Many of you know I am a Zen Buddhist and a Zen Buddhists believe we are born and die each moment. Many of us also look at ourselves as a wave in a vast ocean. The wave eventually becomes the ocean. I have never been separated. My wave is now accelerating a bit faster than usual toward becoming the ocean and that is not a big deal. I was recently in the hospital for a week, 1st being diagnosed with pneumonia, then being diagnosed with lung cancer. After more tests and after talking to an ecologist and a surgeon, I find my lung cancer is not operable partly because the cancer is in my lymph nodes, chemo or radiation would not help much. I have decided to go with the flow and to do nothing other than take each day as it comes along with painkillers when I need them. I am now very weak and have low energy. I lost over 20 pounds in the last 2 months. My attitude is, from my point of view, fine in that I am accepting everything that comes unless it can be readily changed. Because of my low-energy Tom Kelly has agreed to be secretary of our Internet group. Please assist him in any way you think you can. I will be around for our September session, but doctors project I will probably be gone by the end of January. Thank you for contributing to the great life I have had and will have for a while yet. I have been very pleased to have been in a group with all of you and I hope the group continues. Right now I have no pain and except for extreme tiredness, I have no complaints of any kind in my heart and I am accepting the extreme tiredness. I prefer no get well cards or phone calls. Please continue accepting things as they are.. As a Zen Buddhist, I believe we are born and die in each moment. I look at myself as a wave in a vast ocean. Eventually the wave merges into the ocean. My wave is now accelerating a bit faster than usual toward becoming the ocean but life is sure to reconnect us in the ocean.”

Warm and kind regards, Conrad

Conrad’s life was a testament to what Saint Francis captured so profoundly in the following quote:

“Seek not so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love, for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born.”

Even though he is no longer with us, you can continue to learn from Conrad’s wisdom. As the author of many books, he shared on the call,

“I only write about what I’m interested in and aware of. I don’t do anything with the money I get from books, partly because there is very little. I do it for what I believe in. I’ve had a great life and I will continue to have a great life because I had a great life. If you read my books, you’ll see me in them.”