Dad passed away three weeks before the birth of my son Danyal and because I was about to give birth I couldn't travel, unable to be home for his funeral. He was 59 and he died from a heart attack. It was very sudden.

It was as if dad physically vanished and to make matters a little more confusing his spirit has been hanging out since the day he died so in some ways it is as if he hadn't gone anywhere. My confusion about dad's presence or lack of presence and how I should feel about it peaked on his death anniversary. Each 2nd of April, I stand by his grave disoriented, confused, frozen. I literally don't know what I am supposed to feel and so I go numb. My actions are also frozen for example, I cannot ever bring myself to bring flowers to his grave and going to his grave feel strange in and of itself. On the outside you might think I'm being insensitive or disrespectful, and in fact I have also wondered the same about myself.

It is in the way I live that I have honored my dad. He always believed that life was about giving back and making the world a better place. He had a very gentle, kind soothing voice and I credit him for instilling in my his warmth and my compassion for others.

But still I have struggled to wrap my heart around his death. It was his fourth his death anniversary on Monday. I was all alone in Dubai. Danyal was in Spain with his dad, mum and brother on holiday and my other brother is in his own world. I spent the first half of the day procrastinating, wondering if I even needed to visit his grave. Abha messaged and I shared with her a little and she gave me strength. I asked Dr Deep if I should go and he said to do what is in my heart. I told him I couldn't access my heart and he said that going to the grave might allow me to do so.

I showered and changed and grabbed my head scarf and as I was leaving the house it suddenly felt very unnatural to go empty handed as if I was about to go see my friends at Ghandi 3.0. And then I wondered what to take... That's when I saw a beautiful yellow flower in my front yard. I quickly cut a few put them in a vase. Suddenly I remembered Nimo had given me a bag of heart pins when he came and so I decided I would also gift those to dad. It felt so nice to know what to give and to feel good about the gifts I was taking with me- knowing they were all gods gifts filled and made with love.

I sat by dad's grave and placed the vase of flowers which I added some water to, and then I sat on the side and dedicated each heart pin to him from a loved one and name them.

For the first time, instead of wondering what the right thing to say was or sitting in my confusion, I sat in the clarity of my love. Regardless of him being physical or not, in that moment I became awakened to the fact that there is no separation anyway and the only thing that is real is love. So I kept saying "I love you dad, I love you dad, I love you dad." And I watched the pink light carried by each of the pink hearts fill his grave.

By the time I was done I felt my heart completely open and tears erupted like never before. Then I put on a beautiful prayer called Yasin which they play when loved ones pass in islam (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huOv7hta1Ho) and I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I saw my fathers spirit rise and saw him shed layers of what seemed to be dark shadows. His soul was pink and he began rising into the sky surrounded by pink light. It was so beautiful.

Thank you Ghandi 3.0 family for inundating me with so much love that it drowned out my confusion and disorientation on dad' death anniversary and instead flowed into his grave and lifted his soul.

God bless you all. And thank you brother Nemo for the bag of heart pins.