In our Devotion + Purpose Pod last month, Jin Chuan and Jin Wei joined our call and offered a stirring blessing chant. I recently switched jobs, and on my last day of work at my former job, I wanted to share gratitude for my team and colleagues, and couldn't think of a better way than to play their chant. :) Since the words they shared in our closing call also still resound in many of our minds, below is a transcript of their talk as well:



Jin Chuan: Jin Wei and myself are very happy and honored to be here. Some faces are quite familiar. We see quite a few new faces, but just being able to be a part of Service Space, we definitely feel is a huge blessing. It's a chance to be part of a community that is very devoted to giving and generosity and kindness that is really hard to find around around the world. Jin Wei and myself were reflecting, "So what can we share with the group? Because in some sense, maybe everyone's already far more advanced in devotion than us. They've thought about it for a week!" Something that came up when we were thinking about our own relationship with devotion was an idea: When does devotion go wrong?

It could be like toxic devotion, or unhealthy devotion. What does that look like? How do we really find this inner balance with devotion? And I began reflecting on my early years -- what was I really devoted to? And the first thing that came to mind was basketball. I remember as a kid, one of my friends gave me a t-shirt on it and it said something like "dirt, pain, bloods, tears, sweat, and that's all for this." And it had a little picture of a football. I was really devoted to sports, mainly basketball. And I would play with full energy, like my very life depended on it. And if the ball was going to get out of bounds or something, I would jump for it.

And if it was going straight into the concrete, no problem. If I didn't come back with some kind of injury, I thought I didn't play hard enough. And that was the kind of spirit I would play with. And it was interesting because just this last week, Jin Wei and myself were going on a walk through the park nearby, Strawberry Park in Berkeley. As, we were walking through people were playing basketball and he looked at me and said, "Oh, I know you played a lot of basketball before. So how long did you play when you were a kid?" I started reflecting back on my childhood. I thought, well, I got out of school at around two or three o'clock until like five or 6:00PM.

And I played in the afternoon at lunch. I probably played for three, four hours a day. Also, at home, I would very insensitively -- talk about not being balanced with our family --I would walk around the house with the basketball, to practice my dribble. It drove my mom crazy, because imagine your kid just walking around the house, bouncing, and constantly hearing this basketball bouncing. What was interesting when Jin Wei asked me that question and I was remembering that experience was that I could actually feel myself kind of going back to my child hood. I could feel internally the inner, energetic feeling of what would it feel like to do a behind the back or between the legs kind of dribble, or doing a shot.

I could just feel how my body would move. And it was very interesting the mood that would come with it as well, this kind of engagement, feeling prideful, like, "I'm really cool." This particular tone. "Hm, that's really interesting," I thought to myself. When I reflected on why I was so devoted to basketball, it was because when I was in elementary school, I was teased a lot and playing sports became my way of finding friends and belonging. And so I got really, really into it. And I won't go on too much given the time, but interestingly enough, I think when I found spirituality and meditation, I took the same kind of energy into the practice of meditation and wanting to be a monastic.

What became interesting at that point was that I became devoted to my image of what it meant to be an ideal monk. And I disconnected from my immediate experience and my sensitivities and became trying to be perfect in a way that I had conceived. And that's what I was thinking about for toxic devotion. Although there was definitely a lot of energy, it definitely caused a lot of stress for my parents and caused a lot of stress for myself. Over the years, (I think a few people have joined us recently for the Four Boundless Hearts Pod on loving kindness, compassion, joy and equanimity.), one of the things we found so helpful was actually the four hearts because it was a way that would balance out the devotional energy to say, "Actually, you might have this real wish to do something that you really care deeply about, but it has to be tempered by these four qualities of real kindness for ourselves and other people around us."

And especially that last one, at least for myself, was around this equanimity, the ability to stay balanced and sensitive to what's going on. So we were thinking, what are we really devoted to now? Of course we have our daily rituals and practices in the monastery, but actually right now we spend a lot of time reflecting on the four hearts, which is probably not surprising for those who have interacted with us. That's maybe a place where we have a certain amount of devotion. And what I find is quite interesting, going back to that first experience, is that when I connected the hearts to my body, and when we do a devotional practice, like bowing, what I find is that the energetic space inside is very different. When I was playing basketball, there was a certain kind of mood, a certain kind of way the body is held. But when we're bowing, when we're really letting go, there's a slightly different energy. I find that the energy moves around much more smoothly, much more warmly, much less forced. And there's a kind of a natural buoyancy that is held. Jin Wei, do you want to share?

Jin Wei: Sure. I was playing different games when I was a teenager, thinking back to my devotional story. My devotion was very clear after I watched the musical, Hair. I stopped going to the hairdresser. I have a native Indian shirt and I wanted to be a very cool hippie. It was maybe eighth grade. It was very clear that this is my direction. When I ended up in Berkeley it was maybe not an accident because this is a very hippie city. So I really value - being free, have fun, have constant adventure, and with some spiritual motivations. But I did not always open my perception door by meditation, in that period. So definitely I created some problems.

Jin Wei: There was some shadow there in my mind, an exploration of who I wanted to be, who I am. There was a lot of confusion at the same time. And like Jin Chuan Shi says, we have share some similar attitudes. To some extent we kind of learn from each other. When I encountered spirituality, my life deeply changed. I was very devoted, very determined, a lot of hours spent bowing, praying, and so forth, but It was really out of balance. And I didn't know how to keep a balance. I had the kind of attitude of a mountain climber, who is at the last camp and very determined to attack the peak of the K2 Himalayan mountain without any supplemental oxygen and in the winter. It was very on the edge.

Of course, internally, I was thinking, "This is what it means to be sincere, right? I have to be hard, hard, hard" to the point that I kind of crushed myself. I had two surgeries, my knees, and back surgery. So I feel sometimes like a veteran. Like people who meet second world war veterans, we can have spiritual veterans. "In this battle, the retreat in Latvia, I broke my meniscus in my knee." So it was very unbalanced and something was unhealthy here. I missed a few steps in the practice.

Jin Chuan: Just to throw in - to show how balanced Jin Wei was - I remember being asked to sit the thousand Buddhas . Right now we're actually doing a 10,000 Buddhas repentance. So we were doing basically every day six hours of bowing on top of our regular practices. So that's 600 bows a day. Jin Wei at the time had made some vows of a couple more thousand times. So in between the 15 minute breaks, (you bow for 50 minutes and take a 15 minute break), Jin Wei would be bowing at full speed at the back. I was like, this guy is intense! I looked at him and thought he's going to hurt himself.

Jin Wei: Dharma Marines or Dharma Navy seals! And similarly, and this is what very deeply resonates with us, was this kind of encountering of loving kindness, or practice of love. And what was behind this energy, how I try to be this hardcore cultivator -- a very good cultivator going "Yeah. Good, good, good. Keep going," was that I was expecting that someone would praise me, how I'm good, how am I sincere and so forth. So there's energy behind that was pushing, driven by willpower, an internal controlling, often repressing emotions and feelings. And it was happening kind of unconsciously. So the loving-kindness was like, wow, this is so new a dimension that I never felt -- like new, like oxygen. I have oxygen in this mountain, I found it, and it was quite important. It was a very simple change -- first, relax, relax, be gentle. Simple words, simple feelings. What is behind it? How does it feel when I'm relaxed? How does it feel when my emotions, my body is in balance? I completely stopped viewing my practice as a way of getting somewhere. Reverend Shi, our teacher told me - this was very insightful- "The cultivation is not a sprint. It's a marathon, it's a long, long marathon, or maybe even a long walk. You don't have to run, just relax with each step." So for me, devotion is honestly deep caring, very deep caring from myself, for others.

But if I don't know how to care for myself, how can I really care about others? How can I send a loving kindness when I'm very harsh to myself? Instead of "More and more!" I can say "No, no, just come down. Okay. Thank you for sharing." I can say this to my inner tyrant or critic. "It's okay. No problem." So I noticed this new colorful dimension, just learn how to relax. There's real strength coming from gentleness and all this practice, whatever I do, the bowing practice, ceremonies or washing dishes is the place where I can be devoted in a very balanced and relaxed way.

Moderator: Thank you. That was beautiful. Beverly has a question, so we'll go over to her.

Beverly: So I do have a question on something that I've been thinking about all week. I fashioned my whole life around taking care of my mom in her old age. And I have a sister who has some mental health issues and was never treated. But my mom has always been devoted to my sister, so she would never leave Pittsburgh. She just would never leave. And so even though I had devoted my life to her care in old age, that devotion is not going to be realized. And so my question is around what do we do with our devotions that we can't actually realize in the way we thought we would?

Jin Chuan: I was a little bit confused. You said your devotion is unable to be realized because you're not around your mother?

Beverly: Right. So my mother lives in Pittsburgh, I live in the Pacific Northwest. And my goal in life, my purpose, my devotion was to have her in my home and care for her in her old age, but that's not going to happen.

Jin Chuan: Well, maybe as a first reflection is, for sure filial devotion is something very important, very wholesome to honor that relationship we have with our parents. And it sounds like you have a wish of how to realize that, but it's unable to be done. I think there are so many different conditions for each person and each relationship with our parents is different. But here are some general reflections. I think Beverly walked actually further in life than I have in this life. So you have more experience than me, but with what limited experience I have with my parents and being in the monastery and seeing different people's relationships is that oftentimes our ideas of what it means to care for our parents might be different than what it means for them to be cared for at some level.

That could be done maybe from a distance or maybe at a visiting. I'm sure you call, show your care for her, but sometimes our deep values don't manifest in the ways that we exactly plan it out to happen. And that's where we have to let go of our ideal, relating back to what I was saying before -- to let go of the ideal image of what it means to be a devoted daughter. Connect back to the heart of really what that is coming from. and listen to that place. What is it really that I can do. That was what I was talking about - becoming a monk.

I really wanted to be a Buddhist monk and devoted all my energy to it. But what I found was I was holding on to being a Buddhist monk in a particular way. And it wasn't coming from the real place of relaxed letting go with a balanced, inner sensitivity, and a deep care for myself and others. It was holding onto a perfection and the perfection was so beautiful: I want to be a Buddhist monk. I want to live a very simple life. I don't want to hurt the planet. I want to do all these things, and it's such a beautiful picture of myself, but the problem is I'm not there. And I just kept forcing myself into that little container. I didn't end up breaking myself quite as much as Jin Wei....

Jin Chuan: But it was somewhat painful. I did have a back surgery though that was for something more from birth, but with the back pains I realized this wasn't working. I was forcing myself physically, mentally and emotionally into a little box, even if it was a very beautiful box, and it wasn't going to work. I had to tap into what does it really mean to be a Buddhist monk? What are the deeper values that I'm really trying to embody and actually accept the kind of messiness of who I actually am, and my conditions that I relate too.

Jin Wei: Maybe I can just add that I very much resonate with your question. For very long, my life was a retreat from my mother. She left when I was 10 and I first met her after 17 years. She moved to the United States and stayed there for different reasons. There were a lot of family tensions and so forth, so definitely, I felt a sense of loss and it was difficult in many ways. I couldn't, but at the same time, I wanted to express love to her and care. But first I knew that I had to enter through this door from the practice of forgiveness. She made mistakes maybe, but she decided what she decided and I try to hold what she is, how she is.

And one of the gifts I can offer for her is to live as beautiful as I can, and honestly from this part, my journey with service started. I couldn't serve my mom, but I found an eighty year old, almost homeless lady. I cooked food for her that I brought for her every day. And I had, afterwards, four women in my home city. One was mentally unstable and I still keep in contact with her. Another passed away. And I have so many people I can transfer this energy and serve to others in behind my mother. What's happened is interesting - my relationship to her became very close. After years, she came here for my ordination. I was very deeply moved and touched.

Of course, we have kept phone contact over the years. But, I see that not always can we express our love even if someone is very close to us physically. With COVID, we experienced that a lot. We are maybe physically distanced, but not socially distanced. Our hearts are connected in many ways. And I still keep my mom in prayer, send merit and virtue and so forth. I call her, just listening, and relax. It's worked out somehow and the big change happened when I told myself, I don't want to change you. I accept who you are, but I change myself. And this is a huge freedom.

Jin Chuan: I put a link for Jin Wei's "leaving home" ceremony, which is when he became a monk and his mom came and was crying. It's quite touching. Jin Wei, can you say the phrase around deeply caring again?

Jin Wei: Yeah. What I learned is the loving kindness practice can manifest in many different ways. It could be repeating the phrases, but for me, what's more important is the feelings it produces. What feelings does it trigger, what opens up the heart. We learned that one of our friends has a practice of just repeating one word: gentle, gentle, anything arises, gentle. I'm too excited, gentle, too harsh, gentle. And this simple mantra can trigger something. But I think for everyone it's different. For a long time I used the word "safe." What does it mean to be safe? How does it feel? How it is to be safe, and, what triggers the safety,? I hope that it helps.

Jin Chuan: One more thing. I realized we didn't answer the question asked earlier about engaging with the world. I can make one little point and then we'll leave it there. I think there's a similar principle there with the sense of devotion and the world. It's that sometimes we get devoted to an idea of how the world's supposed to be, rather than accepting it for what it is and holding with deep care. For instance, you had mentioned the United States where I live, and all of these problems with it. There's an ideal, "America shouldn't be this way," or "something shouldn't be this way". And I'm devoted to that. In a certain sense, it could seem kind of harsh to say, "I accept this is our country." And there's a lot of pain and suffering, but I don't have to turn away from it. I can deeply care about and devote my life to serving it. But also knowing that I can't expect it to change, in a particular way that I want it to be, because it's got so many different conditions. But I can devote myself. There was a very beautiful quote that I remember reading from Catcher in the Rye. I remember one line, I think somebody told the main person, "The mark of an immature man (man or woman) is that he wants to die for a cause. The mark of a mature one is that he wants to live humbly for one." I thought that was kind of interesting. So that's the connect to the world.

Moderator: Thank you so much. I know you have so much going on in the monastery. I think you were just bowing. And then before that you were chanting, and it's already middle of the morning for you where you are; so thank you so much for joining our little pod here, and sharing your presence with us. I think one thing I'm really struck by as both of you shared is not what you said, which was beautiful, but it's the way that you are and the way that you shared. You can just feel the living presence of everything that you're saying. And the depth with which you have really explored this, not just with words and intellect, but with a really lived devotion and practice. We are really grateful to get a little blast of that energy here in our pod today. Are there any last words or anything that come up for you?

Jin Chuan: Jin Wei mentioned we’d love to offer a chant. It's a wish for other people to be happy and well, but in the process of it, our hearts feel so warm. This is a song by Eve Decker. She took the regular loving kindness phrases of may I be well, may I be happy, may I be peaceful, and translated it into verses that were more natural to us. So the first one she says is, "may you be safe and protected from inner and outer harm." The inner harm is self judgements, harshness. Outer harm is getting injured or other people criticizing us. And then, "may you be truly happy (not just the surface level) and deeply peaceful. May you be healthy and strong in the body and physically at ease." Relaxed. And "may you take care of yourself and live with wellbeing." So that's the verse. It's very simple and the tune of it really uplifts the heart. So we've been doing that as our blessing chant. Whenever people come to the monastery with an offering, it's our chance to share with them too. Okay, we'll do it three times.

Jin Chuan and Jin Wei [chanting]:
May you be safe and protected from inner and outer harm.
May you be truly happy and deeply peaceful.
May you be healthy and strong and physically at ease.
May you take care of yourself and live with wellbeing.

[Repeat three times.]


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Originally posted in Devotion and Purpose Pod.